Introversion:

Not a Social Disease

 

When riding down the street with Phillip in his jet black 2001 Corvette, I shared:

            “I met with a lawyer today to update my Trust, and I could tell he really liked me.”

            “What’s not to like?” Phillip asked. “You’re a nice person.”

            “Yeah,” I replied. “Except when I’m snobbish, aloof….”

            “Disinterested,” he added.

            We laughed. This is the plight of introverts, which we both are, and each of us knows the symptoms well.

            As a child, I was frequently labeled “shy,” which was partly true, although I eventually grew out of it. But renowned psychologist Carl Jung believed shyness was different from introversion, although people often mix up the two concepts. It wasn’t until graduate school when I was introduced to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), a self-report questionnaire which includes scoring extraversion (as Jung spelled it) and introversion, that I understood my real label was “introvert.” Dissertations have been written on differences between these two traits, although controversy remains about the test’s proven reliability and validity. Nevertheless, it has been used by therapists for decades, and results have been helpful to many individuals throughout the world, including me.

            Although there are cultural differences, if introverts are in an environment that validates extraverts, we feel different, like something is wrong with us. We’re often given the “shy” label, or at least publicly defined as “quiet,” as if that makes our frequent silence more acceptable. Learning about these concepts helped me understand I wasn’t weird, just different from the more visible and louder population.

            In particular, these three concepts (although there are many others) helped me make sense of how I fit into the world around me:

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1. Introverts process information and insights internally (which gives us the shy and quiet labels), while extraverts process out loud.

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            Internal processing can create trouble for introverts. We spend time in our heads and forget to acknowledge others, which results in reputations for being conceited.

            As one example, after attending an MBTI workshop with a colleague, a light bulb went off for him: 

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              “There are times,” he said, “when I walk by you in the hall and you're so friendly and nice. And the next time, you walk by as if I don’t exist, and I wonder what I’ve done to upset you.”

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            “Just trip me,” I said, “and I’ll refocus,” which would remind me to notice the outside world.  

            Although people use both characteristics throughout the day, Jung believed everyone is born with a certain preference: extravert or introvert. Over the years, we start experimenting with the opposite aspect a little more. As I entered middle-age, my awareness of Jung’s typology increased, and I began observing my behavior more closely. When I walked by someone I might think “what they’re wearing is nice.” Later, someone else would say to that person “Gee, that sweater’s really cute.” I’d add: “I was thinking that earlier today,” knowing they probably didn’t believe me. Why hadn’t I complemented them when I first noticed? Because I forgot to come out of my internal world.

            With my significant other, I sometimes ask: “Did I say this already?” I know I’ve thought it, but I can’t remember if I said it out loud. His answer is usually “No, you didn’t.”

            I’m retired now, but in my work as a community college counselor I attended a weekly departmental meeting. Group consensus was always difficult, but I hated the amount of time wasted. Extraverts usually figure out what they think by talking it through audibly and often look surprised by their conclusions. I listened to colleague after colleague state their opinion, even if it was the same as what the previous person expressed. There wasn’t simply an “I agree” or “that makes sense.” Instead, it was a reiteration of the same belief. In contrast, introverts usually say nothing until we’ve reached a decision, and we don’t necessarily feel the need to state our conclusions verbally, unless it’s an idea no one else presented. This silence frequently frustrates extraverts.  

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2. Introverts are energized by being alone; extraverts are energized by  spending time with others.

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            An extraverted friend of mine told me a story about her second marriage.

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            "At first I was angry with my husband for not being more of what I wanted. But then I realized Don can only do one social thing a week. I can’t ask him to do more.”​

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            I knew what she meant. When I dined in their home, he usually cooked. His wife and I hung around the kitchen, assisting when we could. The three of us would have dinner together, then sit by the fire drinking wine, our teenage daughters drifting in and out of the living room. Each of us contributed to an animated conversation: politics, food, theatre. Then, without a word, he’d disappear into his studio to write or paint.

            It’s not that introverts can’t be extraverted, but it tires us. At parties where we know almost no one, we are good for an hour or so. We’ve had a nice time, but we’re the party-poopers who leave before others. We go home and close the door, exactly like Don did.

            When an extravert is exhausted, they call their friends and talk on the phone, or go out together. They also need alone time, but not too much or they become uncomfortable and start looking for connections with others again.

           A student of mine pulled me aside a week after classroom interpretations of the Myers-Briggs:

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            "You saved my marriage. I tested as an extravert. I always felt rejected when my introverted husband didn't want to do social things with me. Now I get it. It's not about him not liking me, it's about his need for alone time. I'm really looking at it differently now." 

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            I once heard a story about two unhappy nuns who threatened to quit the convent. One spent all day buried behind papers and typing on a computer in a solitary, back room office. The other was a receptionist answering phones and helping people at a busy front desk. They both took the Myers-Briggs and discovered they were in the wrong positions. The extravert sat alone in the back, and the introvert felt crazy handling people all day. They switched jobs and no longer talked about leaving.

            My daughter is a classic Jungian introvert. One day she came home from high school and announced:

            “I don’t have any friends.”    

            I knew what she meant, and I also knew that wasn’t true. She ate lunch with the same quiet, Asian male every day, but she had a couple of other friends she hung out with, too. I offered my annual discussion about the difference between extraverts and introverts. She nodded, then went off to her bedroom to study. The next day, she came home and announced:

            “I made a lot of new friends today.”

            “Oh,” I replied.

             “Yeah. I acted like an extravert. And now I’m exhausted and I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

            Observing people’s responses when isolating during Covid was classic. Introverts happily puttered around their homes, worked on projects, read, and were thrilled with an abundance of alone time. As a friend of mine wrote in an email:

            “Yeah, for us introverts, social distancing isn’t so big a deal.”

            Extraverts had trouble figuring out what to do with themselves, since their lives revolved around interactions with others. I saw a Facebook post during Covid that read:

 

            ​“Introverts...call your extraverted friends. They need you.”

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            Although I loved my career, I was excited when it was time to retire. The thought of total freedom to choose how to live my life and what to do with my time was inspiring. Extraverts, however, feel anxious when aging out of their jobs. They prolong leaving because they’re not sure what to do next. Their social life frequently revolves around work, and they can’t fathom being on their own and not seeing colleagues every day.

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3. Introverts have fewer, but deeper, friendships than extraverts.

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            I attended a monthly Myers-Briggs meeting that included a session with a married couple. The woman was an introvert and the husband an extravert. They held out their phone bills for us to see. His dangled in a long stream of pages. Hers covered one sheet. Enough said.

            My daughter prefers texting over talking.

            “Text me,” she says.

            “I want to hear your voice,” I respond.

            I call, and she doesn’t answer, but if I text a second later, she replies. At first, I felt rejected when that happened. Then I noticed she acted the same way with friends. I accused:

            “You only talk to others when you feel like it.”

            “Yep. You got it, Mom.”

            When she wants to talk, phone conversations frequently last more than an hour, which is also true when she talks to her friend Erin. Although both are well-liked and know many people, they spend more time with each other than with their wider groups of friends. In fact, having a best friend is typical for introverts.

            Note that Jung didn’t believe extraversion was better than introversion, but historically the belief has been that extraversion is the desired trait for American businesses. In more recent years, people have begun sticking up for introverts. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain was considered ground-breaking. On numerous bestseller lists, it sold more than two million copies within three years of publication. The author’s premise? Introverts are undervalued and misunderstood, resulting in an enormous waste of talent. As evidence of people that could have been overlooked, but were not, the book includes a list of introverts who have been major players in the world, from Barack Obama to Bill Gates and Rosa Parks.

            Other authors followed, with titles such as The Awakened Introvert: Practical Mindfulness Skills to Help You Maximize Your Strengths and Thrive in a Loud and Crazy World by Arnie Kozak and The Irresistible Introvert: Harness the Power of Quiet Charisma in a Loud World by Michaela Chung. Still, the titles sound like there’s something strange about us that needs to be adapted to the rest of the world.

            How about another scenario? One that acknowledges and appreciates differing styles, understanding we bring varied approaches and abilities to the table, with both skill sets being appreciated. Step two involves being patient with others who are different, something I worked hard at during those previously mentioned counseling meetings. Step three involves an openness to valuing and learning from each other.

            I remember an introverted student who came to me after I lectured on this topic in a career counseling class.

            “Wow,” he said. “I always thought there was something weird about me because I was different from everyone I knew. Now I get it. I’m an introvert and not strange. I just do things another way, and my way’s alright. Thank you!”

            He walked away with a smile.

            I can relate to his feelings. That was my journey, too.